Trip

I'm tired and frustrated and having second thoughts on this trip with him. The excitement in me is just starting to slowly slip away. No decent conversations, no concrete plan, no certain destination. I feel like I'm tapping out of here soon.

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Hi, I'm back. I'm deeply hurt. And I can't describe it.

Post-Valentine's Day

Hey, blog! It's great to be back!  It's been, what, two years?  It's a good thing, huh?  Not needing to post anything bad.  Not needing this breathing space.  But I'm good, you know.  Not necessarily feeling the greatest yesterday towards the end of the day...but good.  Sometimes, we just focus too much on one person, we forget the rest of the world.  We forget the goodness of everyone else, just because we were too busy channeling all our energy towards just one person.

As of now, I'm good.  He gave me the online greeting card that I've requested, and for him to squeeze in a few minutes of his busy day just to compose something for me, it's already..good.  I am not going to lie that I missed the flowers and chocolates.  I'm that kind of girl.  I just appreciate the old ways of telling a girl how you appreciate her.  I'm not those who'd tell someone to just give me food or something more practical, on Valentine's day.  Because I can buy myself food, I can buy myself those stuff.  But flowers?  You can't send it to yourself.  It's something I really love receiving.  But a few students gave me a flower, and somehow, I felt special.  They can always opt not to spend a dime on me, but the energy, time, and the effort were there, and that speaks a lot.  So for that, I'm grateful.

On my travel to another Asian country with the One, I'm still thinking about it.  Is it worth all these efforts?  I feel alone taking care of things again, pushing him to do the necessary steps again.  It's tiring.  I'm not lying when I tell him it's tiring.  Dealing with him had been tiring lately.  It's like, I always had to request, plead, remind him over and over.  I miss those days when for once, it's the guy who makes the effort, when I'm being surprised by the guy reminding me, because he's excited, because he can't wait for it.  Nothing, I just miss it.  So if I've seen that the world is out there waiting for me to be free and single, and be much appreciated more, I think it's not hard to let go a wee bit loosely to this person I've been holding on to.

I crave for more consistency, more effort, more time.  For life is the shortest in this world, and every minute matters.  I don't want to waste it to waiting. To pleading. To requesting.  Is it worth it?  Should I still hold on to our dream?  I'm tired.  And it's tiring.  And saying that makes me cry just a bit.  Because it's true.  Because I'm pouring my heart out again to this blog.

Thank you, my dear blog.  It's been a while, and it's refreshing to let the sadness flow into you.

And oh, happy valentine's day.

Heya!

Haven't been here for 10 months! Sooo many things have happened and it wasn't here--that is a good thing right?

I just want to leave here an ocean's worth of gratitude to the BIG GUY UP THERE.  You have given me sooo much. Thank You, thank You, thank You, my dear Lord. You are amazing. I can't thank You enough. :) You're the BEST. :)

Hello, 2017!

Hellooo, 2017! Wow. I haven't filled up my little spot on the world wide web for quite a while. I miss blogging, but not about my sad experiences. I miss the happiness and excitement it brings to me when I think of posting something beautiful and positive. Actually, for now, I am not sure if I would want to read the heaviness of my old posts. It served as a lesson and it was a big part of who I am today--stronger, hopefully wiser.

But let's not go there anymore. Let's focus on the positivity of the new year.

I am thankful for everything, for the good, the bad--because I survived them all. I thank God because my family is complete, we have food on the table, I have friends, colleagues, work, I have this dream to lose weight and live healthily. I am thankful for the love I receive from people around me. And most of all, the consistency of God's warm embrace.

Looking forward to a positive year, with my family, friends, and loved ones--with God in thr center of our lives. I pray for strength to face the hurdles thrown my way, courage to do the right thing always, and willpower to do my responsibilities which I have neglected in the past year.

I can't thank God enough for giving me another year, another chance at life. :)

Hello, 2017! Let's make this a normal, yet phenomenal year! :)

Achy Breaky Heart

I have no more questions left in my heart.
What happened already happened.
Acceptance of everything is the key to the door of moving on.
In my heart, mind, and soul, I have loved only one man.
Letting go of his hand is the one thing that will make myself feel so hollow.

---

I will never regret you, or say I wish I'd never met you, because once upon a time, you filled up my heart and made it so swollen with so much love.
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A person who truly loves you will never let go, no matter how hard the situation is.
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How strange it is, that after all that, we are strangers again.
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It hurt because it mattered.
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I feel like I'm waiting for something that isn't going to happen.
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You gave me up so easily.
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Missing you comes in waves. Tonight I'm drowning.
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I was the one who chose to love you even though you gave me a thousand reasons not to. 
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You and I will always be unfinished business.
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It hurts when the person that made you feel special yesterday, makes you feel so unwanted today.
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I think part of the reason why we hold on to something so tight is because we fear something so great won't happen twice. 
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And...
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New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings. 

Haiku

Crazy life of mine
It circles around our love
Him and I, we're one.

-

It's over.
So is my l _ _ e.

Whether it is my fault or not, he really won't see me.

So Be It

For the past few days, I've been bugging him about booking, seeing me, checking his schedule. All these things which the two of us should to TOGETHER..and not just me pushing for this. For the past times, he would give a little step then stop. There was never a time when I felt that we were meeting halfway. I know about his struggles, his fears. It may not seem like it but I would always look inside me and dig in..and try to understand it from his perspective..until I have nothing left in me anymore. This doesn't go only with the unbooked flights, untalked about travel plans, unused SG ticket to see me. My understanding and patience stretched out to the things he did to me which hurt me the most. So the deadline I gave him this Friday will not be mentioned to him anymore. No more reminders, no more begging, bugging, pleading. I'll leave it all to him. In the past 24 hours, I gained back the freedom I've lost in the past years. I was trapped in this thought that without him, my life would not be complete. But I was given a chance to walk back to my old self again..who I was nearly a decade ago. It's this Friday..or it's totally over.

It's Been A While

Wow. I haven't put anything here lately. It's been a busy month. A semi painful month also, in terms of heart issues.

I am so disappointed with Jay. So darn disappointed. The smallest of glitches already stop him from booking a flight. Real men who really want to see you--will always,  always, always find a way.

But I am not one to push it anymore.

As it is now all over.

1M

There are a million and one ways.

Chill Pill and Updates On My Life

Here I am doing absolutely nothing on this sunny Saturday morning. I was half planning on going to the mall with the fam but decided to not join anymore.  Earlier, had the usual conversation with my dear on what time he could call me and you know what I'm just tired of hearing his non-committed answer of not being sure. Also, he said he has a headache and not hrny so..okay. Not dying actually to talk to someone who always sounds forced to talk to me. I'm getting tired of the leftover energy in him that he is giving me.

Moving on from that exhausuting thought, this had been a pretty heavy week for me. Also quite interesting. But overall weird and gives me this feeling of uncertainty.

My co-worker messaged me because she said that her husband's co-worker saw my photo on Facebook amd asked "who's that pretty girl" (maybe hebis not in his proper state of mind / tired / hungry / drunk). And then I remembered someone I don'tknow added me as a friend on Facebook.  As per my co-worker, the guy is looking for someone to marry and is really interested in me. Wow. She said just add the guy, there is nothing to lose. What I did after is..not worthy of the space here.

Another story here. For the past 6 months, my bosses at work have been really encouraging me to accept the position they are offering me. Being always not so confident about my capabilites and work habits,I've been delaying my answer to them. They are offering me to market the program, be in charge of internship, go out and meet prospective partner companies and do presentations and some other stuff which rely heavily on organization skills. I am happy and thankful of the trust that they are giving me on this but I am telling myself that this would really make my already busy schedule even busier. But last Thursday, my boss really wanted an answer. I told her that if anyone else is applying for the position, they can have it. Long story short, she was able to make me say yes. I tell myself that I can do it I know, it's just that I need better organization of my tasks. Also, going out and meeting people outside work is a new thing for me. Also, it's because I was planning on movingto another company already. Anyway, I already said yes and all I can do is pray and work harder.

So..what more? I'm starting to love running and all the things and habits that I do before and after. But most of all, the overall wellness and good feeling that comes with it. Yesterday, I wasn't able to run because we were in a hurryand I haven't prepared my things yet..so there. The shin pain never went away. YES, never. I just keep on overlooking that painful feeling whenever I run. I pray that this is nothing serious though. Lost 3 pounds since I've started and I can now 2 sets each of exercises of two 5 lb. Dumbbells. Yeyyy.

Also, my new Samsung Galaxy S7 arrived last June 16. YAYYYY. I am so happy about it. Juojuo's the name. Of course, I am also thankful to Juno, my LG phone, for the 2 year faitful service it uas given me. :)

That's it for now, what a long update!

Change is coming soon and I am somehow ready to embrace it. This is for the bettermentof me, of him, of everyone. What it is, I can't tell but what's bound to happen will happen.

Disappointing

I have so many things in my head which  wanted to air out here in terms of how..well..nevermind.

I am extremely disappointed. And now, I know he can already survive alone.

I choose to be with someone who gives importance to my worth as a significant other.

Done :)

My dear set a record for himself for his DL, as he got a 600, which he had been working on for the longest time now.  He snatched the 2nd spot out of 10 in his 198 weight class.  I couldn't be happier for him.  His success in his passion is, in my heart of hearts, I know, what will make him the happiest.

My work here is done.

And so now, I'll sail away slowly and quietly.

Seeing him happy is all I ever wanted.

I guess, that's love. :)

Really feeling under the weather today. Only flowers can save the day.

Food Daily - May 12, 2016 - Day 3

Today, I wasn't feeling well.  I was feeling lethargic.  Maybe because I overstayed at work last night or maybe because my body's not used to the absence of carbs in my system.  Or maybe because I ate a spoiled Subway Egg Sandwich last night. :(

Didn't have the appetite for breakfast and so I just had something to give me energy.

BREAKFAST

(I threw these all up after.)

THIS OVER NOTHING IN PARTICULAR

Banana

Low-fat Milk

A shot of no sugar, no creamer Coffee
(This is a breakfast and lunch staple.)

Food Daily - May 11, 2016 - Day 2

Hi!  I slept last night being so darn hungry.  Good thing that I was so sleepy or else I'd have eaten all the Chicken Adobo dinner.

The whole day, just to keep my metabolism running, everytime I feel hunger pangs, I would drown myself in water. Water, water, water.

Because according to Fox News:

It's another day full of food struggles, so let's start the day right!

BREAKFAST

THIS

(1 Banana and 1 Egg)

 

OVER THIS

(I was trying to refrain from getting too much mayo in my body.)

LUNCH

THIS OVER RICE
Ginisang Togue

Pancit Lomi

Banana

DINNER AT WORK

THIS
6" Subway Egg Salad Sandwich
(which I threw up this morning)

OVER THIS
This is my typical dinner at work, McDonald's Cheeseburger.

SNACKS - AM

THIS OVER A PACK OF BISCUITS
1 small Ponkan

SNACKS - PM

THIS OVER A SANDWICH
Ginisang Togue (Again!)

DINNER AT HOME

THESE OVER CORNED BEEF WITH RICE
1 small Mango

1 small Ponkan

Food Daily - May 10, 2016 - Day 1

Hi, the little struggles count.  And so I'll blog about it.

BREAKFAST

Today, I badly wanted to eat ENSAYMADA  The swirl of carbs, slabbed with butter and sugar is what I'm craving for this morning.  But I had to go with 2 eggs instead because in no time, my pants won't fit anymore. I criii.

THIS

OVER THIS

LUNCH

Typical Filipino lunch consists of rice with anything--fish, veggies, meat, etc.  But one of my favorites is Daing na Bangus.  It's the meal which I look forward to the most here at work, although generally speaking, my ultra fave is breakfast.  But today, I'm trying to ditch carbs so I just had a serving of Chopsuey.

THIS

OVER THIS

SNACKS - AM

THIS

OVER THIS

SNACKS - PM

THIS

(Yes, another serving of Chopsuey!  I bought 2 orders.)

OVER THIS

(I'd have to let you go for now, my love.)

DINNER

THIS

OVER THIS

(Adobong Manok!)

Surviving the day without carbs--not that it's a bad thing--was an achievement for me.  I was just cleaning out my system which was fully loaded with rice and bread the past few days.  I wanted to feel light and not bloated and with less sugar in my blood, although I'm not sure if I have achieved that with all the bananas I ate. LOL.  But anyway, it was a colorful day full of veggies and a little bit of protein.

My Dear

I'm having a crush on and falling in love with my dear all over again when he keeps on checking on me.

Just had to let out that secret for now. Hihi.

Now, everything's going fine and all.  I just hope that I won't discover anything which he wasn't open to me about, or it'll whisk away again this peace that I'm feeling.  The past year had just been traumatizing.

20160430

Had a sensible talk with Francis. Nothing more to it..it's just that..he is actually listening. And his questions made me think. And normally, such questions I dismiss or I try to veer away from, but I realized, hey, he's paying attention!